The Proof is in the Pudding
by LadyDivine91
Summary: Kurt contends that everything Sebastian owns surrounds sex. Sebastian begs to differ. Carole is called in to get to the bottom of things. Kurtbastian. Kurt H. Sebastian S.


"I think that's the last of them." Kurt frowns, gazing down into the box of vibrators, butt plugs, dildos, and other various sex toys that he's fished out of Sebastian's dressers, sandwiched between the mattress and the box spring, under the sink, and out of a special spot in the kitchen pantry.

Kurt has been living in Sebastian's penthouse for close to a year now. How did he never notice _that_?

Sebastian, packing up his bookcase, looks over at Kurt's box and smirks. "Uh, I beg to differ. I'm pretty sure you missed a few."

"Ha-ha," Kurt says dryly, but resumes his search since Sebastian would know better than he would how much stuff in his place goes up his ass. Kurt gets down on his knees and sweeps underneath the bed with his hands when his fingers brush against something smooth and plastic.

Yup. He's found another one.

That didn't take too long.

He closes his fingers around it, but instead of being long and cylindrical, it's short and rectangular.

' _Ouch_ ,' Kurt thinks. ' _That can't be comfortable_.' He pulls it out and holds it up, silent in his confusion.

"Uh … what is this?" He turns it over in his hands. It's black with no label, but after a few seconds, it becomes obvious. "Is this … a disposable camera?"

Sebastian glances up from his vetting. "Looks like it."

"Why in the world would _you,_ Sebastian Smythe, have a cheap, plastic, disposable …?" Kurt's words cut off with a harrumph. "Wait. Don't tell me. I _know_ why."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

Sebastian looks at Kurt's scowling face. "No. That look on your face means there's definitely _something_. I'm not missing out on new home sex with my fiancé later tonight over something as lame as a disposable camera, so you'd better spill."

"I bet there's _sex pictures_ on this thing," Kurt says, tossing it down on the comforter.

Sebastian snorts. "What?"

"I mean, why else would you, of all people, own a disposable camera?"

"And whereas your logic is sound, I'm certain that's not the case this time."

Kurt huffs. "I _bet_."

"Not everything I own involves sex, you know."

Kurt glances down at the box he's been filling, the box Sebastian claims can't be full. Then he looks over at the books in Sebastian's hands: _The Joys of Gay Sex, The Ins and Outs of the Male Orgasm, Kama Sutra, The Paradox of Porn_. "Are you sure about that?"

Sebastian rolls his eyes. "So, I enjoy sex … a _lot_. That's not a crime. But there are other layers to me."

"Okay." Kurt crosses his arms. "I'm listening."

"I _was_ a Boy Scout, you know."

Kurt's forehead crinkles. "What does _that_ have to do with anything?"

"I spent a lot of summers away at camp. And regardless of the money my parents have, they weren't too keen on sending their thirteen-year-old off to the middle of the woods with a thousand dollar digital SLR. So they bought me a those things. That one's probably one of them."

"So, photographs of half-naked boys alone in the wilderness?"

"Jesus Christ, Kurt! And you say _I'm_ the one with the dirty mind! Look, I'm so confident this camera has nothing to do with sex, that I'm going to … I'm going to …" Sebastian looks around the room, trying to figure out exactly what he can do to put this issue to rest. In another room of the penthouse, he hears Kurt's stepmother tell his dad, "Now don't you dare lift more than one, Burt! I don't need you to slip another disc!"

"Hey, Carole?" Sebastian calls out, picking the camera up off the bed. "Could you come here please?"

"What are you doing?" Kurt hisses, rounding the mattress to try and swipe the camera away. "I don't want my stepmom involved in this! She doesn't need to see your pornography!"

Carole walks into the room before Sebastian can think up a comeback. "Yeah, kiddo. What's up?"

"Hey! Do you know where I can get this developed?"

Kurt attempts one last time to snatch the camera out of his fiancé's grasp, but fails, a slightly taller Sebastian tossing it to Carole, who catches it like a champ.

"Wow. I haven't seen one of these in a _long_ time. I have a friend who dabbles in photography. She has a darkroom in her basement. I'll get her to take a stab at it. They should be done by next weekend, when you guys come down for Thanksgiving." She examines the featureless exterior of the camera and laughs. "You know, we used to call these turd and toss."

"Why?" Kurt asks.

"Because you used them to take pictures of crap you'd regret later and then dumped them without developing them."

Kurt glares at Sebastian, but he shakes his head. "Not this time, babe. Promise."

"A-ha," Kurt says, going back to his search for more dildos. "I guess we'll see."

* * *

"So, if we go with the caterer your mother wants, we have a choice between plank seared salmon, prime rib, a gourmet vegetarian lasagna, or chicken cordon bleu, all very en vogue for an exclusive New York wedding."

"Says who?"

"Says _Vogue_!"

"Can't we just forgo all that and order In N Out?"

Kurt chokes on his coffee. "You want to serve burgers and fries at a formal sit down meal for three thousand of our friends, relatives, your business associates, your parents' business associates, _Vogue_ …"

"Hey, New Yorkers are so thirsty for an In N Out that if we can find a way to get them to cater, our wedding will be deemed the event of the century. Besides, I think I'd have your dad on my side in this, and is there anyone more important?"

Kurt opens his mouth to retort, but he can't because, really, Sebastian has a point.

"Okay, kids …" Carole bustles into the kitchen with her coat and purse over her arm "… I'm heading to the market. Do you need anything?"

"Nah," Kurt says, scribbling a note in his planner. "I think we're good."

"Speak for yourself." Sebastian turns to his soon-to-be stepmother-in-law (as he affectionately calls her). "I need a bag of Swedish Fish."

"Swedish … Fish?"

"Yeah," he says, putting up his hands to indicate size. "The _big_ ones."

"O-kay. Oh, speaking of, here you go …" Carole fishes through her purse and pulls an envelope out. Sebastian reaches for it, but she hands it to Kurt. It takes a moment for Kurt to realize what it is.

"Are these the …?"

"The pictures from the disposable camera," she finishes.

"Dear God in heaven," he mutters, sliding his unused butter knife underneath the flap to break the seal. Then he stops. "Did you … did you look at them?"

"Yeah. I was with my friend Melissa when she developed them. I hope you don't mind."

Kurt arches an eyebrow. "That depends. Are they …?"

"Don't worry." Carole swipes a hand through the air. "They're perfectly fine."

Sebastian raises his coffee mug in a silent toast to Carole, then flashes Kurt a smug smile. " _See_?"

Kurt doesn't look convinced. "Really?"

"A-ha." Carole buttons up her coat and grabs her keys off a hook by the door, preparing to make a hasty exit. "As in, your fiancé has a _fine_ ass."

Kurt gasps.

Sebastian blows coffee out his nose, but that doesn't keep him from breaking into a fit of uncontrolled laughter.

"Carole!"

"Yes, sir," she says, taking a deep, satisfied breath before she walks out the door, leaving her two boys alone to fight amongst themselves. " _Mighty_ fine."


End file.
